In the news this week, there was a report of a young woman who was sexually assaulted by a driver she had contacted through an app. He took her to a remote spot, assaulted her and then dropped her off at home. At the end of the report, the police statement included the comment, “Trust your instincts.”

The reminder to the public in these situations usually sounds like, “Be aware of your surroundings, exercise caution.” I don’t know, but perhaps there was a moment where the young woman thought things didn’t seem quite right… perhaps she trusted the driver instead of her instincts. Otherwise, why would the police add that comment to their statement?

In those moments when one’s instincts are saying, “This isn’t right. I’m uncomfortable,” it can be difficult to speak up. The perpetrator knows their ropes; they leave room for plausible deniability should they be confronted. And most of us are processors; we need a minute to think. And most of us are trusting.

Mae West said it best, “A girl who knows the ropes can’t get tied up.” Too often, girls, women, and young boys, learn the ropes only after they’ve been lassoed. Who teaches us about ropes? How do you learn to trust your instincts before you are tied up?

In my early twenties I lived in a small apartment in a neighbourhood that while not exactly a “rough” neighbourhood, it was not an area where young women usually lived alone. I liked to sit on the front porch to read in the sun. One day, a man who lived across and down the street walked over to me and struck up a conversation. He asked about my apartment–he’d never seen the inside, he said. All these years living on this street, and he’d never seen the inside of this apartment. Gosh. I guess the previous tenant was not a young woman.

There is no doubt in my mind his intentions were not to assess the floor plan. I followed my instincts, not because I was so aware, but because I had once followed a boy out of a community party to a parking lot. I didn’t know the boy, I knew the family he was visiting. It didn’t go well when he wanted to take things further than I did. He yelled a few insults at me. I went back inside to where my friends were and that was the end of it… but it stayed with me as a warning not to be so trusting. Or naive. Or stupid.

Humph. Someone else’s aggression should not be considered the victim’s mistake.

This is why it is important for women to share their experiences. Learning what happened to others can enable the naive among us to recognize the possibility of manipulation, or potential threat from others.

What if girls were taught about “the ropes?” Starting about grade six, what if we could teach girls and boys to acknowledge when a situation doesn’t feel right? What if there were practice runs–here’s an idea of what to say–here’s how to have a plan at the ready?

There will always be “ropes” to watch out for, but awareness that ropes exist could prevent someone getting tied up. Thank you Mae West.  

Keep your joy.

Posted every Sunday, unless it’s a holiday or summertime.

Contentment is for Cows: Short and sweet reflections on life’s complications.