Shame is a powerful silencer. My working theory is that the degree to which one is comfortable sharing their shameful secrets is the degree to which they have reconciled their behaviour, or the situation that led to feelings of shame in the first place. Most of us have something in our past that we prefer to keep to ourselves. Shame’s counterpart is the fear of judgement from others.

I have a genuine admiration for people who can share their personal stories. My tendency is to hold back, a long ingrained habit taught to me by my mother who worried far too much about what the neighbours would think. When I was sixteen, my elder sister and my parents had a dramatic family blow-up. The next morning as I was ready to leave for school, my mother, in an adamant tone warned me, “Don’t you go talking about this…” And so, I didn’t. But holding back doesn’t always serve. I kept my mouth shut when sharing might have alleviated my pain, or been of benefit to another person. To this day, I waver on disclosing “secrets” that others might judge me for.

My mother’s shame held my mouth hostage. She felt disgraced that her eldest daughter had gotten pregnant out-of-wedlock, years before. I felt no shame for my sister’s indiscretion. What I needed to discuss was why was I only finding out about it now, at age sixteen? Was I not part of the family? Was I ever going to be told? The pregnancy has a happy ending which I’ve shared in these pages before, but the family blow-up that night was like a buried landmine. Something touched a nerve and old shames and regrets exploded. Days later, my mother was still processing the incident. She asked me, “Don’t you feel you have a family that loves you?” I didn’t answer. There’s my shame. I left her hanging when a simple “yes” could have sparked a discussion, or at least alleviated some of her tension. I regret that we both missed an opportunity to share feelings rarely discussed in our family.

Recently, a friend asked me and two others to listen to her “practice run” of a talk she will be delivering to a large group in her community. Public speaking is not the issue–she is a confident presenter. The story she will be telling is very personal; it’s not what most people would readily share. And there’s the rub. Sharing a personal story, that previously carried some shame to an audience of people from your community is taking an enormous risk. Will the community view her differently afterward?

I believe my friend will be shocked at how many people in the audience will rally to support her. Give people an opportunity to be supportive and more often than not, they’ll respond with generosity and share their own story. She will benefit, and the community will too.

Because everyone has something. Although it may not be easy for some of us, if shame fosters silence, openness can foster connection.

Keep your joy.

Anne Milne is an every Sunday blogger, unless it’s a holiday weekend. Or summertime.